everyone’s been asking me if i miss paris.. and my answer since i returned has been a steadfast and sure no. i’ve been home in sg for abt a month. exactly a month tmr.

was looking thru a few friends’ pictures on fb. pictures of them in paris.. then i saw the pantheon, the familiar streets.. the eiffel tower..

then it hit me, i actually do miss paris.. i miss the streets, the metro, the crazy ass rude people, the language.. the sights, every single turn there’s this crazy beautiful monument, structure or museum. that city’s full of wonder and surprise.

then i realised, i actually miss paris a lot, so much so that i couldn’t continue looking through my friend’s photos.

so there you go. as much as i disliked that city cos of it’s inefficiency and rude pple, i have to admit,

paris is wonderful.

i’m trying so hard to stay positive.

my entire break week sucked, mugging for that stupid mid term which ended in flames today. i didn’t know how to do 3/4 of the paper. so damn awesome yah?

i’m not going to think about it anymore. cos it’s really spoiling my mood. i really hate school. with all the superficial people who are just out there to use you. and use one another. the people who can only see how they can move forward, at the expense of others. nicely done. i really love the way the world’s working out. i’m thinking about really just graduating and leaving singapore for good and pick up a job as a kindergarden teacher in australia or europe. or maybe really pursue my diving. or maybe join an environmental association to save the ailing world. THOSE ARE MY DREAMS. those are what i really want to do, free from all the complexities of the world and the inherently evil human nature of people in the corporate world. it’s my wish to go: hey, i hope u’re happy with your job as a corporate rat, just like everyone else. i’m not jealous at all.

yup. it will totally make sense yes? an accountancy degree holder who ends up as a kindy teacher, diver or painter. just hilarious.

Today you’re gonna leave
Just like you did the day before.
Watch by the windowsill
You disappear into the corner store.

I could swear that I saw you
Slip out the back door.
You left your set of keys
And left me alone.

I’m pacing our apartment.
My head’s a broken record.
I can’t think.

I keep repeating the very last words that you said to me.
You didn’t tell me you loved me
Just goodbye (bye bye bye bye)
And there was something kinda final in it.

Stay. (stay, stay)
Everything is wrong without you.
Stay. (stay, stay)
My whole world’s a wreck
Oh will you save me now (save me now)
Or leave me crazy ever after.

I’m in a weak condition.
Now you cut into the heart of me.
You’ve got my mind racin’.
Losin’ my grip on reality.

You got me second guessing what’s true and what’s a lie.
Why don’t you look me in the eye when I say

Stay. (stay, stay)
Everything is wrong without you.
Stay. (stay, stay)
My whole world’s a wreck
Oh will you save me now (save me now)
Or leave me crazy ever after?

I don’t know how to be alone.

Don’t know how to be alone.
Don’t know how to be alone.

Today your gonna leave
Just like you did the day before.

Stay.
Everything is wrong.
Stay.
My whole world’s a wreck.
Stay. (stay, stay)
Stay. (stay, stay)
Stay. (stay, stay)
Stay.

Oh will you save me now
Or leave me crazy ever after.

love this song! very light hearted and happy. from the sound track of the jane austen book club (which is an awesome movie btw (: )

Woke up cold one Tuesday,
I’m looking tired and feeling quite sick,
I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life,
So I quickly opened the wardrobe,
Pulled out some jeans and a T-Shirt that seemed clean,
Topped it off with a pair of old shoes,
That were ripped around the seams,
And I thought these shoes just don’t suit me.

Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody’s smiling,
It’s so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
But long on time,
Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
And I’m running late,
And I don’t need an excuse,
’cause I’m wearing my brand new shoes.

Woke up late one Thursday,
And I’m seeing stars as I’m rubbing my eyes,
And I felt like there were two days missing,
As I focused on the time,
And I made my way to the kitchen,
But I had to stop from the shock of what I found,
A room full of all off my friends dancing round and round,
And I thought hello new shoes,
Bye bye them blues.

Take me wandering through these streets,
Where bright lights and angels meet,
Stone to stone they take me on,
I’m walking to the break of dawn. 
Take me wandering through these streets

Got the news today 
Doctor said I had to stay 
A little bit longer and I’ll be fine 
When I thought it’d all been done 
When I thought it’d all been said 
A little bit longer and I’ll be fine 

chorus: 

But you don’t know what you got till it’s gone 
And you don’t know what it’s like to feel so low 
And everytime you smile, you laugh, you glow 
You don’t even know, no, no 
You don’t even know 

Verse 2: 

All this time goes by, 
And still no reason why 
A little bit longer and I’ll be fine 
Waitin’ on a cure, but none of them are sure 
A little bit longer and I’ll be fine 

chorus: 

But you don’t know what you got till it’s gone 
And you don’t know what it’s like to feel so low 
And everytime you smile, you laugh, you glow 
You don’t even know, no, no 
You don’t even know, no, no, 
You don’t even know, no, no, 

But you don’t know what you got till it’s gone 
And you don’t know what it’s like to feel so low 
And everytime you smile, you laugh, you glow 
You don’t even know, no, no 
You don’t even know, no, no 

Verse 3: 

So I’ll wait till kingdom come 
All the highs and lows are gone 
A little bit longer and I’ll be fine 
I’ll be fine 

just caught the jane austen book club and absolutely loved it! here’s a song from the movie.

save me – aimee mann

Verse 1:]
You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet

[Chorus 1:]
But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

[Verse 2:]
‘Cause I can tell
You know what it’s like
The long farewell of the hunger strike 

[Chorus 2:]
But can you save me
Come on and save me 
If you could save me 
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone 

[Bridge:]
You struck me dumb like radium
Like Peter Pan or Superman

[Chorus 3:]
You will come to save me
C’mon and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
‘Cept the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
But the freaks 
Who suspect they could never love anyone

[Chorus 4:]
C’mon and save me
Why don’t you save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone

have been very sick these few days. stomach giving me the same problems again. can’t keep my meals down. and after meals my stomach will hurt like there’s no tomorrow and the only solution is puking the food out. gross i know. didnt go to sch on weds and today. went to see doc on weds and today it just got worse even tho i puked my dinner out last nite. urgh.

haha, then it just hit me, the pple that are looking after and caring for me now are my family and closest friends. he didn’t go buy medicine for me, bring food to my house, make sure that i’m feeling better. i mean it’s understandable cos he’s no longer with me, but the thing is, i’m pretty sure he wldn’t even do it when i was with him. but yet i did exactly what i mentioned. i took utmost care of him. and i was so worried when he kept puking after every meal.

well, everything’s in the past, i believe i’ll be able to look back and smile at it quite soon. (: not much bitterness left in me. just a little bit of missing and sadness. and a whole lotta strength. i’m stronger cos i can deal with anything tt comes my way. i know that i shld love myself more now and concentrate on leading my life rather than live someone else’s. i’m happy for him if he’s happy for himself. i still love him i guess. it’s not that easy to let it go. but i feel less now.

people can judge me, talk about me, say mean things abt me and maybe even conclude that i’m some stupid girl tt fell for his tricks. but hey, this little girl is learning. and she’s better off right now.

life’s not gonna be easy but we all live and we learn.

blurry eyed

messy hair

light up a cigarette

breathe deep

let it out

hug goodbye

start the car

drive off

one level down

you jump out in front of me

jammed the brakes

goofy smile

i roll my eyes

and i drive away.

words

hurtful words

does it hurt?

are you sure it doesn’t?

calm exterior

logical and rational

it starts drizzling

let’s go into the car

talk there

turn off the head lights

more words

more uncertainty

apologies

still calm

then goodbye

u asked for a hug

i said no

you walked out

thought you were gone

tears, emotions, hurt, sadness, loss

you were still standing in the rain

watching me cry

turned on the head lights

it’s time to leave

rev the engine

it’s time to leave

but i want to stay

why can’t i stay

it’s time to leave

no love

it’s time to leave

keep telling yourself

it’s time to leave.

for good.

you said

good morning

you said

baby

you said

i miss you too

you said.

hugs

hand in hand

fingers laced

whispers in my ear

your arms around me 

when we sleep

your arms around me

when u shelter me in the rain

your arms around me

when i wake up

shrimpsaurus

my favourite driver

200kmph

pizza place

you drew you

you drew me

hand in hand

happy

and a huge heart above us

(now it hurts)

so let’s go

why liddat?

you hated to hold hands

but i’d always make you

you let go

but took my hand again and held it tight

that day.

resting on your shoulders

just watching you

just watching you

just watching you leave.

baby, i miss you.

erase the memories

just know that i really miss you.

yes, even after everything.

You sucked me in and played my mind
Just like a toy you would crank and wind
Baby, I would give til you wore it out
You left me lying in a pool of doubt
If you’re still thinkin’ you’re the daddy mac
You should’ve known better but you didn’t and I can’t go back

Oooh, life goes on, and it’s only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye ’cause you can’t go back
Oooh, it’s a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I’m at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I can’t go back

Life goes on, life goes on, life goes on…

Wish I knew then what I know now
You held all the cards and sold me out
Baby, shame on you if you fooled me once,
Shame on me if you fooled me twice
You’ve been a pretty hard case to crack
I should’ve known better but I didn’t and I can’t go back

Oooh, life goes on, and it’s only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye ’cause you can’t go back
Oooh, it’s a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I’m at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I can’t go back

Na na na na na life goes on, na na na na na made me strong
Got a feeling and I can’t go back
Life goes on (and it’s only gonna make me strong)
Life goes on and on and on

Shame on you if you fooled me once,
Shame on me if you fooled me twice
You’ve been a pretty hard case to crack
I should’ve known better but I didn’t and I can’t go back

Oooh, life goes on, and it’s only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye ’cause you can’t go back
Oooh, it’s a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I’m at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I can’t go back

Na na na na na life goes on, na na na na na made me strong
Whoa, yeah
Got a feeling and I can’t go back…

i can’t go back, yes. and i WON’T go back. this time, i’m sticking to my word. i’ve alr gone back so many times but really, everything i did wasn’t worth it at all. perhaps it was when i was in the thick of things, yeah i love him blah blah cant live without him blah blah but right now?

the tables are turned darling, i’m done with you. 

i’m not cynical, i still believe that there’s this person made for me out there, and i gotta stumble upon the fucking shitty ones to make me appreciate that one person eventually.

baby, i won’t go back. cos life goes on.

i’m coping much better now. keeping myself busy with sch work, projects, gym, friends, family, movies and reading. things that i’ve put on hold all for him. basically my life was on pause when i was with him. but i’m back now.

thing is, everytime i’m at a certain place, say i go pass the park near my house, cineleisure, coffee bean, when i see billboard adverts for the night safari, when i pass by his place on the expressway, everything just reminds me of him. sometimes i stare at my phone, thinking abt the times he’d sms or call. making sure that i’m home safe, asking if i’ve woke up yet. all these just make me hurt so bad. 

if u asked me a few days back, if i wld do everything all over again i wld say yes, without hesitating. but if u ask me the same qn now, i’d have to think abt it. cos no doubt i was happy when i was w him, i was also very very sad when i was with him. the highs were very high and the lows were very low. everything was amplified. 

i’m happy with the life i’m leading right now. i’m living for myself finally. and i’m happy.

i didn’t do anything wrong. i only loved and cared for him, but he cldn’t do anything in return for me, but only  prove to me that i really didn’t know him at all. i guess i shld be happy that he’s happy right now. i am, i can see how he’s changing for the better, but it stabs me cos he’s changing for the better, doing what i said he should do but he’s doing it not for me. not for my happiness, but someone else’s. i only pray that after everything, he’ll be fine. and not become as disillusioned as i am. i just wish for him to be happy.

the memories i have with him are priceless. they’ll be with me forever. deep down, i wish tt he’d rmbr the times we spent together too. and be able to look back and smile. and i still miss him, really terribly sometimes. i guess he’s really the first person i really gave my heart to. but man, i really know how to pick them.

time heals all wounds right? this wound is only a week old. give me time, i’ll be good as new.

i just read my post about love.

now i realise that u can’t help it when u decide to love someone. you just do.

i loved him and i lost him. but u know what? as they always say it’s better to have loved and lost rather than not having loved at all.

memories we shared were so sweet, i’ll never ever forget them, but i’ll let go. slowly and surely.

because when you love, you have to learn to let go too and learn to love again, and that is the hardest part.

thanks to all of my friends who have been tremendous pillars of support and have only showered me with love and care. thank you for making me feel that all’s not lost. in this times, it’s you guys that can make me pris again (: i love u all.

i’ve always been the one who fears falling. i can safely say that all i felt during the past few experiences were fear. i never really did open up and throw myself in it wholeheartedly. i always feared that i’d get hurt. that i’d get the worse end of the deal. that i’d be the one that’ll be left high and dry. i never really did understand what the most important thing means. after reading this verse (doro bought me a bible), i suddenly realise that maybe what i’ve been doing all along is wrong. maybe that’s why there hasn’t been any rights for me. this verse inspires me to want to put my all into something if it means a lot to me. to not bother about what others think or how they see me. to not have anything holding me back, acting as a barrier. so here’s the verse.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

although i’m not a christian, i find this verse beautiful. and it’s for you

my heart hasnt felt like this in awhile. but it’s cyclical. with a high comes a low. the higher the high, the lower the low. it’s scary.